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It's Christmastown

Feb 14, 2020

CHRIS COLLISION opts for A BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAIN CHRISTMAS (2019) and: Kim Jong-un's perfume ad ... THEME ... Collective hangovers ... The movie is our fault ... Opening old beer ... I studied The Blade ... Foyer or Foyer ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Vindication! ... Plot wrap-up ... Not an actual movie ... Overlook Hotel Caretaker ... Spot the Angel: Mrs. Sacks, hotel haint; African-American prospective buyer; no angel candidate; Paul Auster and later DeLillo; Rachael Leigh Cook's Willow ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cookies, cider, cocoa; no lids; wan sugar Paula Deen-ass cookies; a world without cookie toppings; Oh, Walnuts!; no savory food; plate of uncooked kale; flat, sad champagne; legitimate fruitcake gag; Brogan's Diner ... When Rachael Leigh Cook is Rachael Leigh Cook ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tepid water metaphor; Mistletoe Inn book workshop crossover; law office for acquiring Hallmark inheritances; map of Canada; doppelgängers ... The Clonus Horror ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Men's Crazy Cat Man Ugly Christmas Sweater; roadie reps; martinis available in Midway, Utah; moving to Utah because of A Boyfriend for Christmas; how to get your brothers into Hallmark hot takes; Charles Durning as Santa Clause; Bruce Yams; A Kim Jong-un Hallmark Christmas Movie ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Love object, or building; over-parallelism; pretending you don't know you're in love; a six-minute span of treacly nostalgia; "Christmas Games" (1993) ... Crossover: The Prisoner; it's not like other movies; The Others ... Beat the Geeks ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Reference in another Hallmark movie; also, yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Benjamin (David Lyndon) and chemistry; Brothers McMullen; Ben's mom's haunted fifth-act talk ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Too much moppet; bollard pull; Lina Renna trying to dial it back; 4 ... Rating: 2.5 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Snow on the roof and nowhere else ... "We're doing 5 nativities" ... Assessing the nativity market ... Eagle Ridge, not Blue Ridge ... David Winning, who killed my baby? ... A Ruby Ridge Christmas ... Now that's paper ... Why did you wrap in memories for warmth? ... Based on the book ... Hallmark's Q-Anon ... Neil LaBute ... Erotic step-siblings ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Grave Architecture," by Pavement • "She's All That Freestyle" • "My My My My Mitchell," by Hoyt Axton • "No Motherland Without You," by The DPRK National Orchestra • "Wicked Game," by Bossasonic • "Kiss Me," by Sixpence None the Richer • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane