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Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean


Jul 14, 2020

We run to and from YES, I DO (2018) and put the top down on our Canadian convertible for: Not the gain ... THEME ... Still asymptomatic ... Mostly incorrect Hallmark ingenue stats ... Good Memories from Jessica Lowndes ... A thankless character ... Nostalgic Christmas ... Listen up, urchins! ... Hallmark Ramada filming ... Soothing demeanor ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Chocolate sabotage, live on camera ... A "mild irritation" allergy ... Authentic TV anchor voice ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Oscar, beneficent if ill-timed non-grandpa; a level-8 Higgins; advanced web-grandparenting ... Semi-recuperative himbo character ... Marcus Rosner Appreciation Station ... The Christopher Reeve Problem ... Eat Your Journalismism Out: Nicole's seamless masthead rebranding; "Can you market the cover?"; adolescent novelist syndrome; Nicole, a tornado of unethical and extortionate influence; Robert Parker vibes; the testing phase; wedding on/cover off; is it authentic; CEO reverence again; white noodled "latchkey food"; pocket chocolate; food allergy; how many minutes is Charlotte in the sequel? ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Widow/widower Prequel Universe; 2001, A Romance Odyssey; Episode 52, "Dr. Chocolate's Great Metamorphosis," and a Hallmark luxury chocolatier universe ... Overdetermined: Charlotte's arc impeaches James' indictment; ill-fitting reassignment of token gendered tropes ... Crossover: Baking with Peter Lorre on the Food Network; Children cartoon-learning antiquated celebrity impressions; 22 Short Films About Leaving Glenn Gould at the Altar ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Two female leads, and it's 100 weddings and chocolate ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: James ... Rating: 3; Jen Lilley prejudice; points for trying new stuff; Lowndes and Rosner doing yeoman's work; extra effort, extra humor ... Letters to Santa: A new segment ideal, namely: ... Who Is the Real Villain?: Pay-to-play media ... It's always going to be capitalism ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Solid pratfall ... Carmen San Diego eavesdropping ... Dashing ... Letting the text be loose and funnyish ... Violation of our terms ... "What did I do to deserve this?" ... Writers/directors teams ... Christie Will Wolf deep-dive ... "Your ship has sailed in, and it's made of chocolate" ... "Mommy, I Didn't Do It" ... Lilley, to Lifetime, to Richard Gabai deep dive ... Too far ... The Canadian Beaumont ... A-Z Guide: Title Here ... James lives in his hangar ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Baby Come Back," by Player • "Ride Like the Wind," by Christopher Cross • "Also Sprach Zarathustra," by The Ventures • "Baker Street," by Gerry Rafferty • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane