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Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean


Dec 19, 2019

MEREDITH HAGGERTY returns to get WRITE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2019) and, actually: It's a holiday from holidays ... THEME ... Love, actually 50 percent shorter ... Cast of lug nuts ... Good premise, big swing, not enough movie ... Death cards ... Hanged Jesus and Boston racial violence ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Lachey manque ... Plot in One Segment: Santa bed ... Optician ... Romcom proposal breakup ... Plot sampler! ... Beasley callback ... Lolita Davidovich thirst trap ... Oversharing dog-based romance ... Orphanages and cello teachers ... When a hot guy follows you into your house ... When he shows up at work ... Card-based parenting decisions ... Hallmark boy band ... Primo and a prima donna ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Hallmark cards, animal fat ... Seasonal bed ... Eat Your Heart Out: Bouncers, tabloids and candy canes; marshmallows; water in wine glasses; Primo's, Sarasota and tea houses; dogs, fruitcake and doorstops ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: 2006's The Christmas Card and Pvt. Jessica Lynch vs. Michaels, but for supernatural Christmas supplies vs. the pan-Chicago Hallmark zone ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Luke's picture and journey to Club Motion vs. Exposition bleeding over timelines and Stay in Your Lane, Grandma, and Don't Bring Up Death vs. Jane Mansfield death car (Crossover) intrusion and lassoing the moon and Primo's camera monologue ... Five minute psycho speed-dating and elevator creeping ... Crossover: Mimi's birthing decisions vs. Scrote, and Chicago Cello vs. Cop out ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Hallmark "Hanukkah" movies; Last Ship nostalgia; Andy G's notes about Christmas tree lots and free hot drinks ... LOT COP: Trees facing wrong on the car and going into a house, twice; business class Christmas; Christmas-tree lot banter, bourbon bluffers and dads in Home Depot ... The Swagony of Defeat: Cards, plug ... Lila got card-jobbed ... Over-50 communities ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Jessica, Mimi and Cello dreams ... Deliberately tragic first impression ... Pro-Confederacy local orchestra ... Jewish-penned carols ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Luke, creepy person not a creepy robot; the happy-go-lucky ex Wes; Mimi's child-rearing by card; Wes's sample size of dislike ... BREAK ... Rating: 2.5, for Love Actually'ing without "moments"; a mediocre but game attempt; fewer cards next time ... The Leftovers: Jax, and the happiest loser band in the world ... Purple theme, purple theme ... Insane and confusing timeline ... Sir Robert Peel ... Chad Michael Murray's incredible filmography ... Herman's Head and Xuxa ... An oral history of the dog eating the heart ... Magically starting an abandoned car ... Getting advice from your romantic rival ... Adoption whimsy journalism ... Getting a gig writing fake copy ... You try doing the segues, Dave ... Podcast scoliosis ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Used to Believe," by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists • "All or Nothing" by O-Town • "You Raise Me Up," by Josh Groban • "Chick Magnet," by MxPx • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane